Confidence, self-doubt, and living at your edge

Expand your zone of familiarity through courage and experience.

Confidence isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about trusting yourself.

Rather than believing you’ll always know what to do. My preferred understanding of confidence is believing you’ll always be able to figure it out.

Reflect for a moment: consider all the challenges you’ve experienced, the hurdles you’ve overcome, and the moments of uncertainty you’ve navigated.

Each of these instances, big or small, contributed to your growth, a process by which the unfamiliar becomes familiar. They are evidence of your ability to figure things out, even in the face of uncertainty. They are fodder for your confidence.

Still, despite how much we’ve all been through, confidence is something many people struggle with. It’s a topic that comes up time and time again in my coaching sessions and inbox.

Feeling like an imposter, or doubting your capabilities despite evidence of your competence is a common experience. This experience is often called Imposter Syndrome. The term “syndrome” implies it’s a collection of symptoms associated with a disease or disorder.

I disagree. Rather, I consider this phenomenon to be a collection of signs associated with growth.

Growth means you’re expanding your edges by stepping just beyond them. It involves living in different ways and/or doing different things… it requires new experiences.

New is unfamiliar. Unfamiliar is unpredictable. And unpredictable is unsafe to the nervous system.

Cue self-doubt.

When you’re venturing into uncharted territory, doubt naturally arises. It’s your mind’s way of responding to the danger associated with the unknown by trying to dissuade you from proceeding.

It tries to persuade you to stay where things are known because that is safer, and the mind prioritizes safety because safety is survival.

As a feature of “Imposter Syndrome,” self-doubt it’s a sign you’re growing.

Picture yourself making progress toward a goal of yours, perhaps aiming for a promotion or pursuing a passion project. Despite your qualifications and preparation, you find yourself plagued by self-doubt. Why? Because the unfamiliarity of the situation alerts your inner critic, the voice of caution that seeks to protect you from potential risks. It’s a survival mechanism, trying to keep you in familiar territory, even when it’s not what you consciously want.

This understanding of the inner critic is a key part of reframing your relationship to it.

The inner critic can say some pretty mean things, but what if the intentions behind those things were to keep you safe?

What if, “You can’t speak on stage. No one wants to listen to you.” was simply a cover up for, “Speaking on stage is unfamiliar and, therefore, threatening. You shouldn’t do it.”

Here’s the thing: while the inner critic may mean well, its relentless skepticism can hinder our progress and keep us stuck if (big IF) we listen to it. As a result, many people are in conflict with this inner voice. But arguing with it is pointless. So is trying to silence it. Argue with it, it argues back. Silence it, it gets louder.

Instead, this is an opportunity to practice acceptance and, from this place of acceptance, reframe your relationship with the inner critic and self-doubt.

Imagine your inner critic as a scared child in the backseat of a car. It is an inner child of yours, after all. Imagine you’re driving somewhere that’s important, for both you and the child. Still, the child doesn’t want to go. They keep telling you to turn back. They keep telling you to go home.

You’d listen to their concerns. You’d reassure them. You’d be patient with them. But you wouldn’t let them take the wheel. You wouldn’t follow their directions. You’d continue driving towards your destination.

So, patiently listen to the inner critic as you continue along your chosen direction.

Confidence isn't a prerequisite for action; it's a result of it.

Confidence is a byproduct of experience.

Experience is the byproduct of action.

Action is so often a byproduct of courage.

Courage is acting despite fear, and, as we’ve discussed, there is often fear associated with the unknown.

So the unknown only becomes known, thereby resulting in experiences that cultivate confidence, through some degree of courage.

Each new level of exploration—experiences in which you’ve entered the unknown and figured things out along the way— becomes a testament to your resilience and resourcefulness.

You start accumulating a wealth of life experiences, showing yourself time and again that you can handle whatever comes your way. And with each new experience, your confidence grows and your life expands.

Anais Nin once said, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”

By leaning into our fears, living at our edges and stepping just beyond them, we pave the way for greater self-confidence by expanding our zone of familiarity and transforming our relationship with self-doubt.

And as we grow in self-confidence, we can more easily transcend our ego-based fears and step into spiritual confidence.

What’s the difference?

Self-confidence is trust in ourselves.

Spiritual confidence is trust in life.

How would you live if you fully trusted yourself?

How would you live if you fully trusted in life?

If that’s something you’d like to discover, join the Self-Explorers Club, where we’ll be diving more into these topics together.

See you there.

As always, thank you for reading what I write.