How to Not Ruin Dinner

Three Simple Strategies for Better Communication, More Understanding, and Less Conflict

Recently, a client of mine came to me wanting to work on communication—not the corporate kind where we had been exploring leadership strategies, growth culture, and interpersonal effectiveness with colleagues—but the deeply personal kind. The kind with family.

He wanted to have challenging and sensitive conversations with his loved ones without, as he put it, “ruining dinner.”

It’s something many of us struggle with: maintaining connection, compassion, and understanding when tensions run high or when we need to express something sensitive.

Our session crystallized in three concrete, easy-to-implement approaches for navigating these conversations productively and with care.

So, let’s talk about these simple, powerful ways to level up your communication and strengthen your relationships.

1. Replace Judgment with Curiosity

Judgment impedes understanding and, as a result, severs connection. It creates a sense of separation by putting oneself “above” another based on one’s opinions, perspectives, or beliefs. When we judge, we’re essentially declaring that our own thoughts and feelings are correct, therefore saying, “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” and that drives a wedge between people (as is so abundantly clear at this time). We separate ourselves from whatever we judge, othering that person and no longer seeing ourselves as connected with them. This leads to all sorts of conflict and violence, on small and large levels.

So, what’s the alternative? Curiosity. When you catch yourself judging, pause and try to replace that judgment with curiosity. Instead of deciding someone is wrong, ask yourself, “Why do they see things this way?” or “What might they be experiencing that’s leading them to act like this?” or “How did they come to that belief?”

Curiosity stems from a genuine desire to understand, and it paves the way for connection. Even if you don’t agree with someone, you can still feel connected with them by understanding where they’re coming from. That sense of connection then naturally leads to compassion (see: a better world).

It’s about asking questions, exploring, and remaining open. Next time you find yourself judging someone, in even the smallest of ways (starting small helps), try getting curious. The questions you ask yourself will help you acknowledge the uncertainty that exists and shape the questions you ask others as you seek to understand their experience.

You can try something like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?” Watch how this small shift opens the door to understanding and strengthens your connection with the people you care about most.

2. Use “I” Statements

I won’t dive into any specific communication frameworks, but I will highlight one simple, effective strategy that is common among them when it comes to navigating those sensitive, ripe-for-conflict conversations: Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

“I” statements begin with “I.”

“You” statements begin with “You.”

When disagreements arise or we need to address feeling some type of way, our communication becomes much more productive if we focus on our own experience—our observations, feelings, needs, and requests—rather than accusing or blaming the other person. “I” statements express how you feel and what you observe, while “you” statements often come across as accusatory and put the other person on the defensive.

“I” statements stick to the facts of your personal experience. “You” statements make a claim about someone else, and should be reserved for direct observations rather proclaiming what the other person is thinking and feeling.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re ungrateful,” which isn’t a fact unless someone explicitly told you they are, try saying, “I feel unappreciated when you don’t acknowledge something I did for you.”

Notice the difference. The first statement feels like an attack, triggering defensiveness or retaliation. The second invites understanding and empathy. It opens up space for a real conversation instead of a defensive reaction.

Sticking to “I” statements allows you to express your feelings and needs without eliciting a reaction from the other person. It’s a way to voice your feelings without escalating the situation. It’s a way to cultivate connection rather than separation and divisiveness.

This is how you, as my client put it, “don’t ruin dinner.”

3. Supporting is Not Always Problem-Solving

One of the biggest mistakes we make in communication is assuming that people want solutions when they share their challenges with us.

Often, when a loved one opens up, what they really want is to be seen and heard, not told an action plan. This is especially common in men; we tend to rush into rational, problem-solving, “fix it” mode, thinking we’re being helpful when, really, we’re missing the mark.

Instead of assuming someone wants to explore solutions, simply ask: “How do you want to be supported right now?” or “How can I best be here for you in this moment?” These are simple, open-ended questions that give the other person a chance to express what they need most… and for you to provide that (if you want). If that feels too vague for them, you can narrow it down with options like, “Do you want support figuring this out, or do you just need to vent?” or “Are you looking for solutions, or do you simply want me to listen?”

By asking and not assuming, you’re allowing the person to guide the conversation based on what’s in their best interest. You’re taking a moment to learn how they want to be supported so you can move forward intentionally. Sometimes, all they want is emotional support—a space where they feel seen, heard, understood, accepted and loved, not told what to do. This small shift can make a world of difference in how connected and supported they feel.

Try and see.

The Keys to Connection

Communication is about more than just speaking clearly or getting your point across; it’s about building and maintaining connection, which can be especially challenging when things get tough. By replacing judgment with curiosity, using “I” statements, and holding space for someone instead of jumping to solutions, you can evolve your communication and deepen your relationships.

So, next time you’re in a sensitive conversation, need to bring up a difficult subject, or make a challenging request, try these simple shifts and see how they transform the way you connect with others.

You might find that “ruining dinner” becomes a thing of the past.

You might find yourself more connected with the people you care about than ever before.