Shedding light on the shadow: illuminating the depths within

Why we create what we don't want and keep away what we do.

A familiar experience for me has been one of chaos.

Busyness.

The feeling of never having enough time.

Rushing.

Filling my days with a never-ending list of to-do’s.

This is familiar for me.

Yet, for so long I’ve wanted simplicity.

Spaciousness.

Freedom.

Time to do nothing at all.

At least, this is what I claimed to have wanted.

Yet, when I would find myself with simplicity, I would quickly complicate my life.

When I would find myself with spaciousness, I would quickly fill it.

When I would find myself with freedom, constraints soon followed.

When I had time to do nothing, I’d inevitably end up with something to do.

See, I was only able to create more simplicity, spaciousness, freedom, and time once I acknowledge my desire for its opposite and my role in creating those contrary experiences.

Why would I desire and create such things?

Because they’ve been in my life since I was young.

Because they’re familiar.

Familiar is safe to our nervous system, and so we seek out the familiar even when it’s what we claim not to want.

Unfamiliar is unsafe to our nervous system, so we tend to avoid or reject the unfamiliar even when it’s exactly what we claim to want.

We self-sabotage because a part of us seeks to maintain and recreate the same circumstances we consciously want to change.

This part of us is rooted in the shadow, an unseen force that governs our lives behind the scenes.

We usually aren’t aware of our shadow. If we were aware of it, well, it wouldn’t be a shadow.

And this is why it was only through getting to know my shadow—and embracing it—that I became free of it… or free of the aspects I’m now aware of, that is.

All that’s needed is awareness.

In the light of our awareness, the shadow ceases to exist.

Awareness is the birthplace of choice.

Once you’re aware, you have a choice.

Awareness creates separation, and it’s in that separation that other options become available and choice exists.

For example, once I became aware that I was creating the experience of rushing and, on some level, enjoying it… I began to have more of a say in the matter.

In other words, once I was aware I was choosing to rush, I was able to see all the times and ways I made that choice through my thoughts, decisions, and actions.

I began to notice how I would wait until the last minute when I didn’t have to. How I would take on something extra that I didn’t have time for or distract myself with something meaningless to cut down any extra time I had available. I would even “accidentally” make mistakes that delayed me further.

I could also see that, on some level, I enjoyed the familiar sensation of rushing and the cocktail of stress hormones it generated within me.

I could see all the ways that I chose to rush.

From there, I could simply choose not to.

So I chose not to.

Then I realized something fascinating…

Taking my time was unfamiliar.

Arriving early felt strange.

Slowing down was new.

And, because of that unfamiliar, strange, newness, there was a degree of discomfort involved.

What I actually wanted—the freedom from the familiar discomfort I experienced—was a bit uncomfortable itself.

I could see how my shadow would have sabotaged those experiences to enter back into the familiar constraints of chaos. I could feel the sneaky urge to recreate that cheap little thrill from my old pals, adrenaline and cortisol.

Through experiences like these, I began to know this person, Zack, better than ever before.

I felt like I discovered a secret room in a house I’d been living in for years… and in that room I found a little control panel to stop the heat from going on when I wanted it to be cool and comfortable.

What are the patterns you most often find yourself stuck in?

What are the emotions that you’d prefer not to have, yet continue to experience time and time again?

What are the things you claim not to want, but continue to invite and keep around?

The shadow may be behind these happenings.

Getting to know our shadows can uncover insights that challenge our perceptions and invite us to embrace the complexity of our inner landscapes.

The roots of shadow work trace back to Carl Jung's groundbreaking theories in the early 20th century. Jung proposed that the shadow represents the aspects of ourselves that we repress or deny, often as a result of societal conditioning or personal trauma. He believed that by bringing these shadow elements into conscious awareness, we could integrate them and achieve greater wholeness and individuation.

Building upon Jung's framework, Carolyn Elliott explored the concept of "existential kink" in her book of the same name, suggesting that our subconscious desires are not only hidden aspects of ourselves but also sources of pleasure.

This notion challenges the conventional idea that we always seek what's best for us, proposing instead that "having is evidence of wanting."

In other words, we may find ourselves drawn to situations or behaviors that bring us suffering precisely because they fulfill an unconscious desire for familiarity or validation.

As I previously touched on, our nervous systems play a key role in these processes. Despite our conscious desires for growth and change, our nervous systems often feel safer with what's familiar, even when it's not aligned with our conscious intentions.

This paradox underscores the complexity of human psychology, revealing the subtle interplay between conscious and unconscious forces in shaping our behaviors and perceptions.

In light of these insights, it becomes clear that navigating the subconscious shadow requires a nuanced approach—one that embraces both the discomfort of self-discovery and the inherent paradoxes of human nature.

As we journey deeper into the recesses of our minds, we may find ourselves confronting aspects of ourselves that defy rational explanation or societal norms. Yet, it is precisely through this process of exploration and integration that we can achieve greater authenticity and self-acceptance.

Greater levels of awareness. Greater degrees of choice.

What aspects of your life do you find yourself repeatedly drawn to, even though they may bring you suffering or dissatisfaction?

Are there patterns or behaviors that you recognize as manifestations of your subconscious desires?

How do these patterns align with or contradict your conscious intentions and goals?

Are you rejecting success, abundance, and health due to subconscious fears?

By exploring these questions with curiosity and compassion, you may uncover valuable insights into yourself that forever change your life.

This is exactly what we’ll be up to next month in the Self-Explorers Club.

We kick off our shadow work next week, where I’ll be guiding you through a transformational practice that has allowed me to surface and release the subconscious fears that previously blocked several of my conscious creations… including the very community where I’ll be sharing it.

As always, thanks for reading what I write.

P.S. I’m opening up my calendar to take four complimentary coaching sessions in April for anyone who wants to experience my work firsthand. Apply for one of them here.