In my experience helping people create changes in their lives (including my own), I’ve noticed many patterns emerge and interfere with our best intentions.
There are many ways we, well, get in our own way.
There is a multidimensional response to the change process. This response often resists change, even when it’s exactly what someone wants.
This is the genesis of ambivalence, which so often accompanies change.
This experience is common, since change requires us to override years of cognitive-behavioral patterns that we’ve developed to meet certain needs.
Yes, every behavior meets a need. So when we attempt to change our behavior, we notice that it’s a lot easier said than done. Because changing behavior is not just changing behavior, it’s changing the mental and emotional underpinnings of behavior and finding new ways of meeting the needs it’s been serving.
Otherwise, it wouldn’t be change.
There are many facets of this, many of which I have and will continue to explore here. For now, however, I’m going to focus on one mental process that sneakily sabotages our best intentions.
It’s sneaky because it’s a function of the voice in our head that’s so constant we can easily forget it’s there, like white noise.
And that voice likes to negotiate this whole change thing.
And because that voice is part of the patterns that generated the behavior we are attempting to stop, it typically argues against the changes we’re trying to make.
So we negotiate with ourselves.
There are several parts of us and this negotiation is simply the part of us that wants change vs. the part of us that doesn’t.
Held in the court of thought—or the boardroom of the brain—these negotiations derail our efforts and make it harder to stick to our commitments.
Here are a some examples of how this negotiation might play out. Take a look and see if any are familiar:
The Basics of Negotiating (With Yourself)
1. The “I’ll Start Tomorrow” Trap
It’s common to tell yourself, “I’ll start my new workout routine tomorrow,” or “I’ll eat healthier starting next week.” While it’s great to plan, often this negotiation delays action indefinitely. Very clever, as tomorrow is only a today that is not yet here.
2. The “One More Won’t Hurt” Appeal
When trying to stop a behavior, it’s easy to negotiate with yourself about doing it “one more time.” This can quickly lead to breaking your commitment entirely. Every time that “one more time” is complete, we have a moment of believing that it was, indeed, the last time. Why? Because the need has been met, and we can rest in that satisfaction until it needs to be met again… one more time.
3. The “I’m Too Busy” Excuse
During times of transition or when life is chaotic, it’s easy to convince yourself that you don’t have time for the changes you’ve planned on. However, these moments are often when they’re needed most. Sometimes, our shadow creates more busy-ness so we can continue to use this strategy, putting off the changes most important to us for another period of life which, of course, never comes.
4. The “I’ll Make Up for It Later” Promise
This negotiation is another common one, in which we don’t change something now because we will do so even more in the future, making up for whatever we decide to do in this moment. I love the confidence that this one has in the future version of ourselves. That’s probably why this argument wins me over the most. Like, “No worries, next-week/month Zack will make up for it!” But since I’m aware of it, I can choose otherwise. That’s what’s so important about calling these strategies out.
5. The “I Deserve a Break” Justification
When you’ve had a tough day or week, it’s easy to convince yourself that you deserve a break from whatever changes you intended on. This one can easily be followed by any of the others. Plug and play.
In all of these negotiation strategies, we delegate change to the future. They are all about relieving the tension of starting now. The future, however, is only a present moment that’s not yet here.
Notice how these negotiation strategies don’t resist change entirely, only for right now. That’s why they’re easy to side with. That’s why we listen to them. That’s also why they derail our intentions and keep us from the life we want… because the future is a phantom that never really shows itself.
That one day is never today. The future is always just an idea. The future exists nowhere but in our thoughts about it.
So the changes we want to make get put off, time and time again.
What’s even more problematic, in my opinion, is the way this process impacts our self-belief.
By not honoring our intentions, we lose credibility with ourselves. Eventually, we stop believing ourselves at all. Our commitments become meaningless to us.
According to Self-Perception Theory, people become aware of their character and attitudes by observing their own behavior. Well, if that’s true, imagine what we begin to think about ourselves as we abandon our best intentions over and over again.
Imagine how we begin to feel about ourselves if we talk ourselves out of our most sincere commitments.
Imagine what that does does to our self-trust?
Perhaps you don’t have to imagine.
So I bring up negotiating here to illuminate the ways in which we lose credibility and slowly diminish trust in ourselves, and how that keeps us from making the changes we want to make.
Alright. If negotiating keep us from change, what can help?
If negotiating damages our credibility with ourselves, how can we build it back?
Hold my matcha.
Non-negotiables.
I know, I know. Now give me that back.
Why Non-Negotiables Matter
Non-negotiables are the core commitments you make to yourself—those essential activities that you uphold no matter what. They’re the things that keep you grounded, support your well-being, and nourish every aspect of yourself.
Most importantly, they build your own belief in doing what you say you’re going to do.
They build your self-trust.
As the name implies, you do not negotiate non-negotiables.
Like the first two rules of Fight Club, it bears repeating.
You do not negotiate non-negotiables.
These are not ordinary changes. These don’t get to enter the court of thought.
Think of non-negotiables as the foundation of a sturdy house. Without them, your structure is wobbly, susceptible to the slightest gust of wind or unexpected storm. But with a solid foundation, you can weather anything life throws your way.
Here’s another example playing off the whole credibility thing. You know how when you first get a credit card and your limit is like a few hundred dollars, and as you pay that off you build credit (credibility) and your credit line increases? Sort of the same thing, except the credit card payments are the part where you do what you say you’re going to do and the credit line is the extent to which you trust yourself.
Never thought I’d use a credit card metaphor, but here we are.
Non-negotiables are about putting yourself first in a world that often encourages you to do otherwise. They’re about making a commitment to your well-being, your goals, and your values.
When you set and honor your non-negotiables, you send a powerful message to yourself: “I matter. My well-being matters. And I take care of myself.”
How’s that for Self-Perception Theory?
Now, there’s a real art to crafting non-negotiables. You want to make sure they’re feasible, sustainable, and supportive of the life you want to live.
So let’s dive into that.
We’ll break it down into daily, weekly, and monthly categories, which is something many of my clients have found helpful.
Daily Non-Negotiables: Your Everyday Anchors
Daily non-negotiables are the small, consistent actions that you commit to every single day. They’re the routines and habits that, no matter how busy or hectic life gets, you commit to doing.
These can be things that are really important for you, but run the risk of being inconsistent or taking a backseat. For instance, brushing your teeth may be important to you, but it’s likely something you already do daily—and have been for quite some time— so it doesn’t run the risk of not-doing (if that’s not the case, by all means, add it to your list).
These non-negotiables can also be the stepping stones of changes you want to implement. For example, if you want to start implementing more physical activity and have been sedentary for quite some time, a non-negotiable could be to walk fifteen minutes each day.
Here are my daily non-negotiables, which I’ll use as an example:
Meditate: Whether it’s five minutes or forty-five, I make sure I meditate daily. I’ve been meditating for a long time, but it’s been one of the first things to go when I’m busy, so it’s firmly on my daily list.
Sweat: Similar deal. By sweat, I don’t mean sweat from being hot. I mean from moving my body in some type of way that elevates my heart rate. That could be jumping on the trampoline, going for a run, dancing, yard work, doing a bodyweight workout, etc. Keeping it as “sweat,” gives me more options, making it flexible for my day-to-day.
Gratitude: I used to use a gratitude journal. Now I say what I’m grateful for before every meal. I believe gratitude is the frequency of abundance and I like it to be a part of each day to anchor me into that vibration.
Write for one hour: I’m working on two books (fiction and non-fiction) right now. Writing for an hour a day helps me stay consistent with both. I can’t control how long a certain amount of output (like 1,000 words) is going to take, so a set duration of time works well for this.
Go for a walk: I love walking. I’m sort of like a golden retriever in more ways than I care to say. That’s how much I look forward to walks. I find that I have better days when I go for walks, so I do it every day. It’s a lot more for my mental health than my physical health, although that’s a benefit as well. Wherever I am, I will take a walk at least once during the day.
Stretch: I’m not very flexible. Stretching is something I haven’t prioritized much over the years, and I’m realizing how important it is for mobility and longevity. So stretching is now a daily non-negotiable for me. I do it no matter what.
Other examples could be a screen curfew, a daily smoothie, drinking a certain amount of water, or prayer. These daily non-negotiables are your baseline, the things that keep you feeling your best day in and day out. They don’t have to be time-consuming or complicated. The key is consistency and simplicity.
Weekly Non-Negotiables: Your Regular Reset
Weekly non-negotiables are those slightly bigger actions or rituals that might not need to happen every day but are crucial for your well-being and quality of life over the course of the week.
Here are mine:
Hike: Being in nature is very important to me. The mountains are medicine for me. Whether long or short, I make sure I get into the woods for a hike at least once a week.
Sleep in: At least once a week, I like to let myself stay in bed and sleep for as long as I want or need. No alarm. No morning obligations. Regardless of how well I sleep throughout the week, I find this recalibrates my rest nicely.
Movie: I don’t have a television and watching stuff isn’t a part of my day-to-day, but I enjoy watching good movies, especially independent films and documentaries. I look forward to it, and find that once a week is a nice cadence for it in my life.
Farmers’ market (Seasonal): Right now, going to my local Farmers’ Market is a weekly non-negotiable. It’s important for me to stock up on local, organic produce and other food for the week. It’s my idea of a good time.
Weekly non-negotiables help you maintain a rhythm that supports your overall well-being and provide an opportunity for things that you’d like to be consistent with, but not quite every day. It can be helpful for these weekly non-negotiables to take place the same day each week, but that’s not necessary. If your week-to-week fluctuates, at the beginning of the week take a moment to ensure they have protected space for them on your calendar.
Monthly Non-Negotiables: Your Milestones
Monthly non-negotiables are those larger, less frequent actions that help you stay aligned with your big-picture goals and values. They can also be reserved for larger ticket items that you’d like to be consistent with, but aren’t feasible for your daily or weekly life given the time and resources they require.
My examples:
Massage: I’ve gifted massages plenty, but haven’t had many of them myself. Whenever I have, I’ve thought to myself, “This is great, I should do this more,” and then I didn’t. So this is now a monthly non-negotiable so I can ensure that I’m getting a deep tissue on the regular.
Financial Review: I do a financial check-up each month, going over my savings, expenses, investments, and general flow of finances for my businesses. It takes me about a half-hour.
Get a new book: I read about a book a month. When I finish one, I deeply enjoy picking out the next. Having a good book on my nightstand (and in my bag) is an essential for me, so this truly is a non-negotiable.
Do something I’ve never done before: I’m endlessly curious and believe that we are here to fully experience being here. Not to attain, but to become. In the spirit of that, I deeply value learning, trying, and exploring unfamiliar things, so once a month I do something I’ve never done before. That could be trying a new hobby, learning a new skill, exploring a new area, tasting a new food, or embracing a new opportunity.
These monthly non-negotiables help you stay connected to the bigger picture of your life, align with your values, and regularly engage in the things that are important to you. Remember, they aren’t negotiable, so each month it helps to look ahead and determine when you’ll reserve the time for them. They are a priority and a commitment, not an option or nice idea.
Tracking Your Non-Negotiables
Non-negotiables means you don’t negotiate, but, to do that, it’s necessary to remember them. When we’re implementing new things, we can sometimes forget, being human and all.
So how do you remind yourself of your commitments and make sure you’re staying on track with your non-negotiables?
Here are a few strategies that have worked well for me and my clients:
Daily/Weekly Planner: Use a planner to schedule your daily, weekly, and monthly non-negotiables. Check them off as you go to keep yourself accountable to your commitments. This could be something separate or you can integrate it into your current process. This can be digital or physical. If the former, I highly recommend the software I organize my life on, Sunsama.
Habit Tracker: A habit tracker (digital or paper) can help you visualize your progress and stay motivated. I’ve used a simple monthly spreadsheet with many clients over the years that’s customized for their non-negotiables. Just the dates along one axis, titles of each non-negotiable on the other, and some checkboxes will do.
Journaling: Reflect daily on your experience and how your non-negotiables are impacting your well-being. This can reinforce your commitment and support you with making adjustments as needed.
Accountability Partner: Share your non-negotiables with a friend, coach, or loved one who will regularly check-in with you. Invite them to share their own as well, so you can support one another with integrating this concept into your lives.
Final Thoughts: Crafting Your Own Non-Negotiables
The beauty of non-negotiables is that they’re deeply personal.
I view them as art, in a way. They illustrate the things we enjoy, find valuable, and deem essential to our quality of life.
What works for one person might not work for another, and that’s okay. In fact, this is an opportunity for your uniqueness to be celebrated. The key is to identify what truly supports your well-being and commit to it.
So take some time to reflect and craft your own:
What are the daily, weekly, and monthly actions that would support you in feeling your best?
What’s most important for you to stay consistent with?
How can you build these activities into your life as non-negotiables?
Remember, these aren’t just items on a to-do list. They’re your foundation, the commitments you make to yourself to live a life that nourishes and elevates you—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
And when you honor your non-negotiables, you shape your self-concept, you’re sending a powerful message to yourself:
I matter. My well-being matters. And I’m worth it.
I don’t negotiate my commitments to myself.
I do what I say I’m going to do.
My well-being is a priority.
I have my back.
I trust myself.
And that’s non-negotiable.
Much love,
Zack
This is already your podcast, Zack! I love the practical examples… I need to add a massage on my non negotiables… 😊