The Secret of Self-Concept

How our story of who we are shapes reality and drives (or blocks) transformation

One of the most powerful forces driving our thoughts, emotions, and actions is our identity. This self-concept—who we believe ourselves to be—acts as the foundation upon which our experience of reality is built. Yet, identity isn’t a static truth; it’s a story we tell ourselves about who we are.

It feels solid because we’ve told ourselves that story over and over again. We’ve greased the neural pathways of that thought, making it ripe for repetition. And that repetition affirms that story over and over again until it becomes unquestioned.

But our beliefs about who we are are just bits of language.

Let’s start with something simple: “I am Zack.”

That’s three words. Three words that make up a basic mental story about who I am, based on absolutely nothing other than the fact that I’ve been told I am Zack and referred to as that specific series of sounds and symbols since I was born… so much so that I began to respond to the same thing and believe I am the same thing after about 4-9 and 15-18 months, respectively, in this body: I am Zack.

This very basic example, using the story of a name, reveals deep truths about any story you tell yourself about who you are.

How Identity Shapes Reality

Our identity gives rise to our beliefs, which in turn influence our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Over time, this process manifests into a reality that reflects our self-concept. For example, if someone believes they are unworthy of success, that belief might lead to self-sabotaging behaviors, reinforcing a reality where success feels out of reach.

What’s fascinating is that this self-concept is rarely something we consciously choose. Instead, just like our name, it’s shaped by early life experiences, relationships, and the narratives imposed upon us. Parents, teachers, peers, and cultural influences all play a role in telling us who we are. Over time, these external inputs solidify into an internal narrative that we adopt as truth.

We carry that truth forward ourselves.

What’s funny (not always) is that we then begin to uphold that truth even when our external reality opposes it… talk about a turning of the tides. For example, if someone grows up with a self-concept of being unlovable, as I recently explore with a client of mine, and then they are in a loving relationship, they may continue to feel and believe themselves to be unlovable even when there is clear evidence to the contrary.

As the foundation of our ego, we can be quite attached to even the most unfavorable self-concepts and continue to perpetuate those stories as truth, even when they’re painful… and even when they are clearly false.

The Challenge of Transformation

Transformation begins when we decide we want a different reality—the life we desire.

The life we desire doesn’t come from getting what we want but becoming who we truly are. And then we realize that becoming who we truly are is everything we desire.

However, many of us begin such a process by identifying external changes we’d like to see happen. Then we realize that experiencing these external changes requires an internal shift: we must become someone who naturally creates and sustains the life we desire.