What I learned from helping 12 people choose not to kill themselves
13, including myself.
Disclaimer: This article is intended for informational and reflective purposes only. Nothing I say here is intended to replace professional support. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, it is important to seek professional help. Therapy and professional mental health support are critical resources for those experiencing mental and emotional distress. If you are in crisis or need immediate assistance, contact a licensed mental health provider or call a suicide prevention lifeline, such as 988. Remember, help is available, pain is temporary, and you are powerful beyond measure.
Today was world suicide prevention day, or so my phone tells me.
I wasn’t planning on writing something today, but it seems an appropriate time to do so, since suicidal ideation (see: thoughts of ending one’s life) has been such a prominent part of my personal and professional life.
So here I am, shortly before midnight for me, writing something.
As a licensed social worker with years of experience as a consultant and clinician in the growing field of integrated behavioral health, I’ve worked closely with primary care providers, offering therapy to their patients experiencing depression and anxiety.
Because of the success of this model, I’ve also trained thousands of clinicians and physicians across the country on behavioral interventions and the management of suicidality.
How to ask someone if they’re experiencing suicidal ideation. What to do if and when someone says yes. How to speak with someone about it. How not to overreact or under-react.
Throughout my career, I’ve seen firsthand the deep pain that drives people to consider ending their lives.
Countless people I’ve worked with have had thoughts of suicide. There are 12 who were ready to end their lives (three of whom had recently attempted to). Well, there were 12 who shared that. There were probably more who felt that way.
I know I have.
In this article, I’ll share what I’ve learned from supporting individuals experiencing suicidal ideation and the powerful shifts that can occur when we acknowledge the pain, honor autonomy, and explore new possibilities for living.
I’ll also share some ways you can support people feeling this way, including yourself.
Suicide Is about ending pain, not life
One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned is that people don’t actually want to die — they want to escape the overwhelming pain they’re in.
Humans like other animals want to live. Also like other animals, humans want to avoid pain. Inner conflict occurs when those two things are at odds.
When life itself becomes painful, and no other option seems available, suicide can appear as the only way out. The ultimate, final avoidance of pain.
People experiencing suicidal ideation often don’t want to die; they want a part of them to die — the part that carries the pain, trauma, or exhaustion. Understanding this distinction is key to helping individuals navigate through their crisis.
This isn’t about a desire to cease existing. It’s a desire to find relief… relief from the current weight and pain of existence.
Try this:
Acknowledge the pain: Pain that’s silenced never goes away, it only gets louder. Instead of dismissing or denying their feelings, validate that escaping pain is a natural instinct. It makes sense.
Explore alternative solutions: Death is one solution, but not the only one. There are often many other ways to end pain. By focusing on ways to reduce psychological suffering, we can help people feel less trapped. Sometimes, asking the question and exploring the answer is enough to open up new possibilities for life.
Mental stories and emotional suffering are the root cause
Often, it’s not external circumstances that cause suicidal thoughts, but the mental meanings we create about them.
We react less to the world than we do to our stories about the world.
These stories feed into our emotional suffering, creating a cycle that can become unbearable.
By identifying and disrupting these stories and developing a new relationship to emotional pain, we can address the root cause that leads many people to want to end their lives.
Try this:
Reframe negative stories: Help individuals explore how their thoughts might be amplifying their pain. Encourage looking at circumstances from new angles and telling better feeling stories, fostering hope where there once was despair. Our perspectives create our reality. Shifting them can create a new one.
Sit with it: The avoidance of pain is what leads us to things like substance abuse, suicide, and other forms of self-harm. Consider a new relationship with pain. Emotional pain consists of feelings that are uncomfortable. Feelings that want to be seen, felt, and heard. Feelings that want to be integrated, but can’t be when they are numbed, suppressed, or avoided. The ability to be with discomfort is a superpower, one that saves lives.
Autonomy is crucial – suicide is often a comforting option
For some, knowing that suicide is an option can provide comfort.
I learned that a risk factor to look out for in people experiencing suicidal ideation is sudden and uncaused relief… a relief that sometimes happens when someone makes up their mind about ending their lives.
The idea of autonomy is essential, and taking away that option can feel like stripping someone of control. It’s rarely helpful and can sometimes have the opposite effect.
Instead of telling someone not to end their life, acknowledge that it is, indeed, an option. In fact, death is not only an option. It’s inevitable. It’s coming whether we choose it or not.
Once we acknowledge that, we stop resisting or denying that option, which then frees us up for a much more productive conversation. The focus then becomes on exploring other options first, because life can change in unexpected ways, and suicide is the one option that’s irreversible.
Try this:
Uphold autonomy: Let them know that they hold the choice, but that death doesn’t have to be the immediate option. Death is irreversible and will come sooner or later, so might as well try anything else first… such as truly living, which brings me to the next point.
Invite exploration: Many people are trying to avoid their own predictions of the future, which are based on their past. The truth is that anything is possible for any of us, regardless of our past experiences. So step into the possibilities that exist. What shifts can be made? What could a life worth living be like? What stones are left unturned? I’ve seen people quit their jobs, move across the world, fall in love, explore new passions, and launch the most unlikely pursuits instead of ending their lives.
The agreement to live: A plan, not a contract
When someone is struggling with thoughts of suicide, they don’t need a contract to keep living — what they need is a plan. This is why the term “contracting for safety” is used less and less in healthcare circles. Instead, planning for safety is the best practice.
I’ve created hundreds of safety plans with people throughout my time in healthcare. This co-created agreement to live is not a lifelong contract but a simple plan for when someone notices the warning signs that they may be a danger to themselves.
The safety contract is about what people can’t do: kill themselves. The safety plan is about what someone can do, which is far more effective.
By focusing on the steps someone can take to stay safe, we develop a manageable, achievable, and agreeable plan that provides resources and supports to help people continue to live.
Try this:
Create an actionable plan: Help individuals build a practical roadmap for the next few days or weeks, focusing on immediate changes they can make to find moments of relief, hope, and purpose. Then explore sustainable strategies supporting one’s mental and emotional health.
Keep it flexible: Remind them this is not a rigid plan, but a living, evolving agreement of actionable steps that can change as needed in whatever ways are most supportive at that time.
The power of life anchors: finding purpose
One of the most effective ways to support someone is by helping them reconnect or, perhaps, connect for the first time with the things that anchor them to life.
We all need something that brings intrinsic meaning to this existence — whether it’s a sense of purpose, connection with others, or finding joy in the simplest pleasures.
It’s not about getting anything out of life, but about discovering the places where enjoyment, purpose, or connection exist. It’s about connecting with the gifts and miracles before our eyes, right here, in this existence.
Try this:
Explore sources of purpose: Guide people to identify what sparks their interest, brings them joy, and gives them a sense of meaning, whether that’s relationships, hobbies, nature, or creativity. These are the things that make life worth living.
Build connections: Encourage deepening connections with others, animals, or even ideas, causes, and passions. Connections in life connect people to life. They are life’s anchors, which are a greater force than life’s storms.
Suicidal ideation can be a portal to spiritual awakening
When I was struggling with depression and suicidal intentions, I had a persistent thought, “I can’t live with myself any longer.”
It turns out Eckhart Tolle had the same thought, which, as his work illustrates, prompts deep, spiritual question: Who is the “I,” and who is “myself”?
“I” is the essence of who you are, the witness, pure awareness.
“Myself” is the ego, the personality, the mentally constructed identity.
This distinction was the genesis of my spiritual awakening, but I was only able to identify this distinction because I was suffering.
If I hadn’t suffered as much as I have, I can guarantee I would not be right here, right now, writing this. I can guarantee I would not have become who I am today. My book would not be out. My coaching practice would be non-existent. There would be no community or body of work.
I owe all of this to my suffering.
Suffering leads us to seek solutions to suffering, to look for answers, which can catalyze a transformative process of spiritual evolution as people explore the human condition, the nature of life, and connection with the divine.
Try this:
Encourage spiritual inquiry: Spirituality is one of the greatest protective factors (although this is often overlooked in healthcare). Help people ask the bigger questions and encourage self-discovery as a path forward to arrive at their own spiritual beliefs and spiritual connection.
Recognize the role of suffering in transformation: Rather than viewing suffering solely as something to eliminate, recognize that it can be a catalyst for deep personal growth. By exploring the pain and the questions it brings, people often discover a deeper understanding of themselves, their purpose, and their connection to something greater than themselves. Embrace suffering as a potential doorway to awakening.
Final thoughts (for now)
Suicide prevention is about addressing mental and emotional health with compassion and understanding.
By recognizing the pain that drives suicidal ideation, exploring alternatives for navigating it, connecting with life, and discovering new possibilities, we open the door to healing—to living, even in the darkest moments.
Ultimately, the will to live lies within us all, and in that choice, we reclaim not only our survival but our potential to transform pain into purpose, suffering into growth, and darkness into light.
I’m grateful those 12 people exercised that choice.
I’m grateful I did as well.
I’m grateful you did as well! This was really helpful… Gabe told me he had attempted to take his life a couple times and I’m terrified by this idea ever since. Thank you for the tips!